“Sometimes Five Minutes Is Enough” – The Art of Meeting Your Child

There is a rush to pick up the children from daycare and afternoon club. There should still be time to get to the grocery store, too. A flood of tasks rolls through the mind, the body feels tight, and the heart rate is high. More and more often, thoughts begin with the words “I should.” “I should organize a wonderful birthday party for my child. I should take them sledding more often, now that we finally have snow. I should read more books. And when on earth will we find the time to do that window painting the child has been hoping for!”

Many parents repeatedly experience feelings of inadequacy and guilt in parenthood. These feelings are fueled by the busy rhythm of life, responsibilities, schedules, and also the wish to be as good a parent as possible. In everyday life, attention, time, and energy must be divided between an unreasonable number of things. A brain running on high alert does not have the strength to question glossy family posts on social media or place them in proportion to real life. The image of someone else's “perfectly harmonious” everyday life is an illusion, but when you are tired, it can feel true. The ability to see the good in your own everyday life and in its small ordinary moments becomes weaker.

And yet it is deeply human that our strength does not always feel sufficient for everything. If you demand impossibilities from yourself as a parent, parenthood itself can begin to feel like performance, drained of both joy and flexibility.

A child's need to be seen and to receive undivided attention is undeniable, and it is necessary for each of us regardless of age. The connection between child and parent strengthens through interaction and doing things together. Good parenthood, however, does not require constant spectacular play moments (even though they can of course be fun). It is built in each family's own kind of everyday life, in ordinary living. When an adult gets down to the child's level, looks them in the eye, and responds to the child's initiative – whether it is a direct request or a more indirect search for attention through testing boundaries – the child knows the parent is available, and feels valuable and loved. Gradually, the child develops a growing ability to act more independently and to carry themselves even when the parent is focused on, for example, household chores.

“Sometimes five minutes is enough,” a baby-care professional, a true “baby whisperer,” once said to me when I told her about my feelings of inadequacy as a new mother of two. I was agonizing over how to divide a mother's attention between two small people who both needed me. Her message was that good parenthood and connection with a child are made up of the sum of small moments. You do not need to – and cannot – be one hundred percent present for your child absolutely all the time. But it is important to be one hundred percent present regularly and repeatedly, even if only for a small moment at a time.

Often parents do exactly this without even noticing: when they blow on a bumped knee, stop to listen as a child excitedly tells them about the snowplow they saw on the way to daycare, or help with homework or a puzzle. Children may also enjoy doing the same things their parent is doing: sorting laundry, wiping dust, or setting the table.

It is important to regularly reserve time for longer, unhurried togetherness. Still, there is wisdom in accepting that time and energy are not equally available every day. On busy days, you can remind yourself of the significance of these “five-minute moments” and make sure that short moments of presence accumulate each day.

And bedtime is not too late, either: a shared bedtime story while cuddling, or gentle stroking at the edge of the bed just before sleep, can offer a warm moment of connection even on the busiest day. A moment close together soothes people of all ages.

What kinds of “five-minute moments” are part of your family's everyday life?